Why I cried as a programmer
Over eight years into programming and I’ve found my confidence was beginning to rise. I have grabbed the fundamentals and even consider myself as a Senior Developer/Architect, a DevOps engineer, and a hands-on project manager. But somewhere along the line, I began a job hunt which almost drove me crazy and the amount of rejection I had to face made me feel incompetent and I was becoming unfulfilled. I had begun to hate what I truly love, and it was just time I packed my bags and call it a quit. But, I was already well invested and the only thing I know is software engineering — so, there was no way I could quit. Then the conversation began- me to myself — The monologue
“What is the problem Ayoola?”
I feel so unhappy… so unfulfilled… and even more incompetent
“But why?”
I have been 8 years in this industry and I showed up for work every single day, but somehow somewhere I still feel so incompetent.
“But why?”
This job line is hard but I really do love it. I feel like I have been showing up every day and learning every new inch of technology and so much that my social interaction had to suffer from it. That’s a lot of sacrifices you know. (The pity party)
“So what are we going to do about this?”
I don’t know. I really don’t want to program for now :(. “But you can’t afford to do that”, yes I know.
“So what are we going to do about this?”
I guess I have to identify the problem and find a long lasting solution.
“So what exactly is the problem?”
1. I feel stressed and mentally fatigued
2. I need a job
3. I need to build a successful product
4. I’d like to diversify (Yes, I don’t want to program all the time)
“So how exactly do we achieve these goals? feeling less stress, finding a job, building a successful product and diversifying?” (programmers fatigue or suicide are no longer news, it’s real)
I have to endure and find my peace, confidence and new mantra for work. I have found out that the real pressure wasn’t from the industry, but from my eagerness and inability to create a clear vision during the process. You see, I started programming because I loved it, and in retrospect, I loved it because it gave me the ability to build stuff; turn ideas into magic, and have them programmed. Those were the fun part. I Felt so empowered to change the world.
But then, I jumped on every tool and every technology and the pursuit was endless. Recruiters even made it worst. I wanted to become a nerd who knew everything, but sadly that isn’t possible. The I.T industry itself is like a mighty ocean, more like a roller coaster you can’t conquer it, it can only conquer you, and thus, my fatigue and frustration came into light. I couldn’t keep up with the pace of recent innovation; from deep learning to A.I, to blockchain, etc, there was just a lot to learn and it is hard to keep up within a limited time constraint. The conversation with myself and the inspiration from this article
https://medium.com/@plainprogrammer/javascript-can-not-win-81f8b7349212
has helped me realized that
1. These technologies are only tools and if the tool gets the job done, then its the right tool. There’s no point jumping from Nodejs to Python except there’s absolutely a need too. This decreases the amount of pressure and fatigues.
2. Being a nerd requires concentration. Identify your interest and drill into it. You don’t have to know everything to be a nerd. Defining your core value is so important. For me, I want to build products and eventually become a Techy entrepreneur, the choices of tools and technology I chose must align with my future goals, and while I pick up transitional jobs, my goals should be to aim only for jobs that are aligned. This way I am relieved by the clarity of purpose and the choice of technology I need to master. To others, their interest might be building tools or educational material- This goal should be the driving force. Trust me this will go a long way in making you a happier programmer.
3. It’s ok to just be aware, and when required, then allow yourself enough time to learn during implementation. Stefan calls it the “need to nerd”. Sometimes you don’t know what you might be missing, most especially for self-taught sole programmers. Being aware will help you fill in the gaps.
4. One crucial thing to notice is that an application rejection does not define your capabilities as a Developer. They are more factors that play different roles during a job application process, so that shouldn’t make you feel incompetent.
5. Being a programmer is tough, so thank you Ayoola, you have been awesome all these years. Self-appreciation will go a long way
6. Recruiters could make you feel incompetent, but with over 20 stacks/library/framework proficiency, I am sure the problem isn’t from me but from the recruiters and unrealistic expectation from employers.
PS- I never cried… hahaha …. and I am looking into diversifying into a dive instructor and still actively looking for a remote opportunity in Frontend / DevOps engineering. I guess with this, I would be able to balance the pressures on earth with the calmness the sea brings to me.
I will consequently be following this article with another which is “what to expect being a programmer” and “Why I think every programmer should go remote”
Please share and let me know your thoughts on this. Thanks
